I actually really like my husband...

So I just re-read the title of this post, and I had to laugh because it just sounds so incredibly wrong... I mean my knee jerk reaction is, "Oh course you really like your husband, you idiot, why else would you have married him?"  Yes- I married my husband because I am in love with him... but I have learned that being in love with someone and liking someone are two very different things.  For instance, I love my sisters.  We have been together through so much.  They are a backbone for me in so many ways.  They support me, love me, and help me through anything.  However, (if you have sisters you can relate) I do not always like my sisters.  My sisters are some of the only people in my life that will tell me like it is... no sugar coating, no being politically correct-they will flat out tell me, and put me in my place if I step out of line.  It is at times like that when I don't really "like" my sisters.

Husbands are the same way.  When you get married, you take an oath to love each other unconditionally.  You pledge that through "sickness or health, for richer or poorer" you will love your spouse... but you do not pledge to like them. Love and like are so different.  Love in many ways is easy, it is emotional, it is nonsensical, it is hard to control.   It is hard to like someone unconditionally.  It takes time, patience, understanding, and most importantly, respect.  I must admit through the chaos of life, I forgot about that.  I admit it, I took my husband for granted... we took each other for granted. I always say at the end of the day when I am tired, and worn down, he gets the worst of me.  And while in the spirit of admitting to my poor behavior, I will admit there are days when I can be more friendly to the drive-thru pharmacist at CVS than to my own husband- the man who promised to "put up" with me for the rest of his life.

So, what made me realize I really like my husband?  A much needed mini-vacation to a ski resort.  We spent two days doing something we love together; skiing.  It was just the two of us, which is a first since before we had the boys.  We chatted like best friends on the lifts, and we supported each other on the slopes down...  He helped me with my form, and I helped him realize he is no longer an 18 year old that can do 360s off jumps.  We had beers at the bottom of the slopes, and told stories, and we laughed- A LOT.  We talked about how lucky we are to have each other, and about how lucky we are to have our lil monkeys who at the time were 150 miles away (thank god:)).   Somehow when we were away from the chaos and stress how everyday life, we were able to take a breathe and realize, damn we are lucky.  We love each other, but more importantly we like each other.  There was no one else in the world I wanted to be with in the middle of the West Virginia mountains, but him.  It was a gentle reminder that we do really make a good match, and I need to remember to take a moment to have a moment together- and like him.

From one soul to another,
Liking is as important as Loving

Trying to "Fit In" Doesn't End in High-school

 I look back on my time in high-school fondly.  I made really great friends. Friends that I have grown up with, friends who I still consider to be some of my closest friends.  We were lucky, when everyone was trying to "find their place" and "fit in," we found each other.  We formed a pact.  A pact that is strong, and still exists through the years.  Unfortunately for us, we have all spread out. There are a few gals still in Pennsylvania, one in Florida, one soon to be in Australia, and me, here in lovely Virginia.  Our bond is still strong despite the miles between us.

Because, I was blessed with finding such great friends in high-school, I often forget about the bumps in the road before we formed our pact. You see, I was an awkward teen. I mean the kind of teenage girl who grew 5 inches in the 9th grade, had braces, and hit puberty really late.  I was so gawky, and skinny and just flat out weird looking. I was insecure and had a really hard time feeling good in my own skin. It wasn't until after our lil pact became a group that I started feeling confident in myself.  It was like I had found my place, found my backbone, and with those ladies behind me I felt like I could conquer the world. They are with me through thick and thin, and we never let things come between us. 

You know recently, I have been feeling like I am back in high-school... Early high-school before I found my friends. Being a new mom kind of makes you feel that way... You are insecure, and you don't really feel confident in what you are doing. I second guess myself on everything... What kind of milk they should be drinking, to what preschool we should attend... I feel as though I am trying to find my place all over again. What kind of mom am I? What kind of family are we? Am I an organic momma who grows all her own fruits and vegetables, and makes her own baby food? Or am I more practical in the sense that I am okay with buying pre-canned food? Cloth diapers or disposables? Public or private schooling? Where do we fit? And unlike high-school where you are making the decisions for yourself... This Is a big deal- my two lil men's lives depend on these choices... It is enough to keep one awake at night, and believe me it does.

Through all my second guessing, I guess what I've learned through all of this is; my main goal is to have a happy, well balanced family.  If i stay focused on that goal, i believe i will eventually find my place, find my groove, and "fit in."

From one soul to another,

BE TRUE

Hair changes things.

 You know that feeling after you just get a hair cut, and it is the first time you wash it yourself in the shower... The feeling that somehow by cutting off the dead ends you are all of a sudden refreshed, healthier, and hopefully a little more attractive?  Or the feeling when you get a bad haircut, or better yet -you decide it would be more cost efficient to dye it yourself because well- how hard an it be?  Only to find yourself staring in the mirror at an awful shade of ashy blue/blond and three boxes of used hair dye kicking yourself for not just paying a professional?  Or the feeling you get when you see a cancer patient who has lost there hair- it evokes an emotion. It is like a war wound meaning so much more than just hair... Or even more devastating when you see a child surviving cancer without hair... It makes your heart bleed.  And you you think, no child should have to endure that battle. It becomes more than hair.

Hair can tell us so much.  Think about it, when we are babies a lot of us start off bald, then it grows and it changes through you life.  I used to have perfectly straight hair, but when I hit puberty I got a frizzy curl thing going on, then when I was pregnant back to the straight... Now I am starting to spot grays...   It is constantly changing....

Well I guess it is obvious, this past week I have been thinking a lot about hair.  I took the boys to get their first haircut.  It was really long overdue.  They are 18 months old, and Austin's hair has been in his eyes for months.  The actual process of getting their hair cut is a story in itself which I will save for their blog, but the aftermath is what taught me that hair changes everything.  It is like all of a sudden I have boys... not babies, hardly toddlers, but real boys. They look mature and boyish, and well as a mom I think one of the hardest things is to let go.   Maybe that is why I have been holding off on getting their haircut for so long, I didn't want to let go of their babyhood.  When you have a baby you spend everyday thinking about their growth. When they are newborns you see a doctor almost weekly to make sure they are growing physically at an adequate rate, when they are a little older you worry if they are developmentally growing, and emotionally growing, and socially growing... All this worry about growth then to cut off something that is growing- well it just seems a bit counterproductive.

Yes, I know I am making a big deal about their hair, but it has changed things.  It has changed my perspective of my lil men... I think I realized that one day in the near future they are actually going to be lil men.

From one soul to another,
Snip snip

Self humility is all you need for a good laugh!

 This past Saturday I took a class at the gym, Athletic Conditioning.  It was my second week in a row taking it so I knew what to expect... Intense circuit training all lead by a crazy little man, Blaise.  Blaise is the kind of instructor who is loud, explosive, and not afraid to call you out when you don't give every exercise your best effort.  Oh and on top of it, I swear he drinks about 40 cups of coffee before coming to teach back to back classes every Saturday morning.  Last week as we were running up and down the gym stairs, the lady next me said she was going to throw up because it was so hard.  I was right there with her, choking back vomit, and trying to avoid Blaise's criticisms of how slowly I was climbing the stairs...  

Despite the intense torture, I returned today.  I was ready! Ready for it all... The yelling, the criticism, the feeling of my body shutting down as I desperately tried to keep going... Bring it on Blaise! I was armed with an extra cup of coffee,and a good nights rest.  Class was going really well.  Blaise even complimented my form during squats!  I was on a high! I was strong and plowed right through class feeling like the queen of the world- Blaise complimented my squats- hell ya!  It wasn't until he put on the slow cool down music (Michael Jackson- Man in the Mirror-great song) that I realized my humility.  I had a huge tear in the back of my yoga pants.  The kind of tear that you could clearly see my underwear.  I was so focused perfecting my squatting form, I didn't realize the draft.  Awesome.  At that point there was nothing left to do but laugh...  Laugh at my self for taking the class so seriously all while my underpants were showing!  Haha... Even now As I type this I can't help but to giggle.  It was a great reminder to stop taking life so seriously, and laugh- even if it is at yourself... Oh and it was also a reminder to buy new workout gear!

From one soul to another,

LAUGH

It's okay to cry...

 A few different stories have lead me to today's finding; "It's okay to cry.". However, the one that sticks with me the most happened this fall, when the boys and I joined a toddler music class.  The class was held weekly, every Friday.  It was the second week of class and the boys were running wild throughout the open auditorium the class was held in. Their was a woman there with her two small sons. The older out the two, who was about 3, was also running wild throughout the auditorium and managed to trip another unsuspicious toddler.   The woman, who was carrying her newborn son in a moby wrap on her chest, just crumbled into her hands and started to tear up.  I noticed her because I was tracking her son with my eyes who was running along with my two monkeys.  I,myself, had just choked down tears on the ride over to music class that morning when both boys decided to scream and cry the entire ride.  When I saw her put her face in her hand, it was my instant reaction to go and put my arms around her.  "I just don't know why he misbehaves," she said.  I, knowing exactly what she was feeling, replied, " you know I've thought the same thing and my two lil men, and it's okay to cry.". There it was out of my own mouth, an acceptance of my own vulnerability; tears.  You know what, she buried her head in my shoulder, even if only for a brief moment, and cried.  Good for her.

As women, we are so fearful to let ourselves cry.  We have to be everything to everyone: a mom, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend... it is hard and we are so hard on ourselves on top of it all... And we forget WE ARE STRONG... tears and all.   There are times in everyone's life where showing vulnerability and raw emotion are true sign of strength, and you know what... It's okay to cry. 

From one soul to another,

CRY

What this blog is about....

I just recently returned home from being away for business in Jonesboro, Arkansas.  While in the airport, I started to think about all the things I learned while I was away.  I instantly grabbed my phone and used the "notepad" application to start recording what I had learned.  After I read through my notes, I thought; "wouldn't it be great to start a journal to keep track of all this stuff?"  Ha- I have never been good about keeping a journal or a diary- but there is one thing I have grown to enjoy, and that is blogging.  Blogging is an online journal right?  So I thought- why not start a blog about things that I learn or discover on a day to day basis?  I have always thought of myself as extremely observant, and touched by my surroundings, and what better way to keep track of these observations than to write them down.  So that is what this blog is about- my recordings of the things I come across in daily life.  Some days I am sure I will have really profound things to say (ha- right) while other days might just be a ramble of my findings, failings, and experiences as an individual.  Either way- I think it will be therapeutic to get this stuff on paper- even if it is "virtual online paper."   I often have a hard time expressing myself verbally, but I seem to be able to express myself through writing... so for me I am using this blog as a forum to express my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and findings of everyday life.

Okay- so what did I learn while away in Jonesboro, AK?  Below is what I recorded on my notepad:

Things I've Learned in Jonesboro:
1- Happiness, hope, and passion are everywhere as long as I am willing to see it.
2- I miss my kids more than I have ever missed anything or anyone in my entire life- they are my home, and I am homesick.
3- Airports motivate me.  I feel like they are a place where people from all walks of life collide, and it is a great equalizer of all mankind.  Everyone has to go through security, everyone has to follow proper protocol no matter how wealthy, important, or arrogant one is... I often feel like I can do or be anyone when in an airport.  I feel like I can talk to anyone, even people I would usually be intimidated by- like the man in first class wearing a rolex...  
4- I can't control things when I am not there- let it go Lauren let it go...
5- Everyone has a story- all you gotta do is ask.
6- Stories inspire me.
7- People are a lot braver than one could imagine.

From One Soul to Another- PEACE!